About Faith
I worked long and hard with a very smart editor at O Magazine named Deborah Way to figure out just how to articulate where I am with faith these days. The back and forth, draft after draft, was the closest thing to therapy that I've had in years. Although there is much left to resolve, I was able to come up with a couple thousand words about it and you can read them in the May issue, which has just hit the newsstands. Since this was written, I've dug into the Bible (a children's version, in particular), some C.S. Lewis, a refresher course on Greek and Roman mythology and a collection of poetry called In Praise of Mortality, by Rilke. Oh, and the 2004 novel, Gilead. Hard to say yet where it's all leading but it definitely feels worthwhile.
The photo that runs with the essay was taken in New York, in January, the same week The Middle Place came out. My dad was with me as the original idea for the photo was to get him walking into the Cathedral and me hesitating out front. [St. Patrick's Cathedral has a noon mass that my dad used to frequent before he retired and stopped commuting to New York.] But in the end, the shot they went to print with was one of the very last they took, while my dad was around the corner getting us coffees. Greenie, you were robbed. I am very interested to hear from you about your faith (in God, yoga, nature, retail therapy, service--whatever you believe in) so if you have thoughts after you read the essay, please post them.
posted by Kelly Corrigan at 8:42 PM
8 Comments:
Kelly,
I, too, have begun questioning my faith as of late. I grew up, like you, in a large, loud, very Irish Catholic family. Going to Mass was just what we did, no questions asked...kind of like getting our teeth cleaned every six months or buying our socks and underwear at Sears each summer before school started. I don't remember any one of these aforementioned rituals meaning more to me than the others and that is probably why I'm at where I'm at right now. It has taken some four decades for me to begin understanding why I feel like I do, but I think I finally have a handle on it, so I will try and explain it to you.
To put it in its simplest terms, I believe humans, from the dawn of time, seek out what they need to feel empowered, worthy, justified and content. From fire for the cavemen to Jesus Christ for Christians (and many other historical leaders, some legitimate and some not) we seek an answer for the disorder and unhappiness in our lives. And when that perception arrives, we latch onto it, hook, line and sinker. And therein lies the problem for me.
I have come to believe, through experiencing some very difficult times in my life, that I am responsible for seeking the happiness that will follow the suffering in my life. I do not believe there is any diety who intentionally drops these arduous challenges into my lap and who believes that by solving these Rubix cubes of life, I will ulitmately become a stronger person.
What I do believe is this; it is easier to pin your hopes on someone or something else. It is easier to hope and pray and wait, and hope and pray and wait, until what you believe you were waiting for finally arrives, handed down to you from up above. It is much more difficult to wade through the muddy waters yourself, sludging (is that even a word?), sloshing and pulling yourself along until you finally make it to the other side of the river. People who live in the first example look towards the sky and offer thanks, go to Mass, take out the rosary beads, light a candle or put a little more money in the collection basket. People in the latter scenario need only look in one place; the mirror.
I am certainly not condemning anyone who believes differently than me. But I will say that by finally realizing and accepting what I now know is true, I can stop feeling guilty. I am 99% responsible for my own happiness. The other 1% comes from my family and friends advice, support and love. It has, in a way, made me whole. I am no longer searching for a faith I cannot grasp. Instead, my faith comes from believing in the simplest of things...myself.
I called my mother recently and we talked about a health issue I am going through. We talked about my doctors and complications and test results. She suggested I pray and before I knew it, I was relaying to her my newfound beliefs. I mean this is a woman who went to Catholic school her whole life, taught CCD, worked at a Jesuit college for 30 years, attends Mass several times a week and runs her parrish's soup kitchen. What the heck was I thinking? But, instead of getting a lecture worthy of the Sermon on the Mount, all she said was, "It can't hurt." Talk about faith.
All the best,
Mary Beth Connors
Manchester, NH
Kelly, I always enjoy your articles and this will have to be a qucik post because I just put our little one down and the two older ones are jumping from the couch- which will soon turn into a fight or some tears in mere moments (however right now they are laughing their heads-off). I wanted to add a little on to MB's comments which were also very eloquent. I believe Faith is that safety net you need when things are tough- even when you don't know how bad it really is. I feel faith as you said can come in many forms (whatever makes you feel good, re-charges your battery, gets you off the mat for the next round.) You need to find it and make no apologize to anyone about what it is. However as MB pointed out and I fimly believe that you can't let that faith have you sitting around waiting for it to do the heavy lifting. Rarely in life do things fix themselves. Use your faith not as a reason to wait but as the thing that moves you forwad at whatever pace but moves you foward. There is an increible quote by MLK (which I am probaly butchering a little but) it says, "If you can't run walk, if you can't walk crawl if you can't crawl by whatever means just keep moving forward. Faith is incredibly powerful but like all things to much of a good thing can be a bad thing when it holds you back, keeps you siting around waiting for soemthing, someone to make your life better. Don't let your chosen form of faith rob you of your greatest weapons the belief ,attitude and knowledge that you have the ability to move your life forward and make your life better. Faith can and should be in the mix but it isn't the only ingredient.
Take care,
Bill Cawley
Wilmington. DE
hey kelly, I haven't had the chance to read the o article yet but wanted to congratulate you for having some faith. the thing that bothered me w/tmp was your mention that you didn't have alot of faith. growing up from our church and school, pegs made sure we did all the good stuff catholics did, but I saw alot of hypocrisy... I wanted my kids to live with god on a daily basis without the fear that the church had instilled in me, (tho' hugh says they aren't like that anymore), so they were baptized methodist and since we lived on a bridgeless barrier island, it was easy to see god in action (mother earth/father time) and help them honor life, past and present and future. now, I think church is great for alot of people but isn't necessary for a relationshop with god. we are all headed in the same direction, just taking different paths. some are more difficult than others but ultimately we all take the same things with us... your heart, soul, spirit, karma, chi, whatever you want to call it. I heard one of my kids tell someone that we didn't go to an organized church but that we were "golden rulers"- treat others the way you want to be treated. as a person who has had a near death experience and have had dreams come true, (very creepy- conversation in dream turns out to contain true facts previously unknown), I can attest to the fact that there is more to life than here on earth....joke is we're an experiment gone awry, "put them in that universe, the one with the 9planets, they can't do too much damage....or can they??" if our "gift" is freewill....then the answer is "love". the person that gives and receives the most love at the end is the winner. love to you and yours, tracy holzapfel. god bless us all....real good.
Dear Kelly,
This may not be the correct place to leave this comment, but I got your book yesterday and I am just about to finish it in the next half-hour and I am compelled to tell you that I think it is TOTALLY BRILLIANT! Your writing is just the best and I am completely immersed in your book and don't want it to end.
I wish you all the success in the world and all good things!!! Can't wait for your next book!
Sincerely,
Laura Duet
Downers Grove, IL
Kelly-
Growing up, my father was a pastor, so the great majoritiy of my childhood and youth was spent inside the four walls of the church, and with people who claimed to be "christians".
These experiences did not drive me to rebellion, like I've seen them do in certain cases, but they also didn't ensure that I would never wonder and doubt the faith that I had inherited, not discovered on my own.
As I grew up, my "faith" really wasn't "faith", because I didn't know WHAT I believed, I just knew I believed in something---because I had to. When I realized that, I began to wonder about God on a deeper level---and as we all know, thinking about the vastness of God and the universe and all that "faith" requires is mind-boggling and can be dis-heartening....However, through my search, which did take me through many dark valleys of disbelief and doubt, I came to find MY own faith, and not that of my father.
I came to discover that at times I felt disatsifed with simply "believing what my father believed" because I realized that faith is personal. My dad didn't believe in God for the same reasons that I would come to. Faith is not so much a BELIEF to me or something that I must KNOW (because we will never KNOW enough to have faith make sense), it is about feeling that God is there, with us and providing for us.
I don't affiliate with a certain denomination of faith, I affiliate with God, and God alone---no doctrine, no rules...just God. And when you put yourself in this connection with God, the love and goodness that many people strive for, comes more naturally. Is everything perfect and peachy? NO--Why? because we live in a world that is evil and are not promised protection from the things that happen here---the only promise we have is that there will be a big God there, holding our hand while we cry and mourn.....and in the same token, He is there while we laugh and rejoice as well.
I believe because I have seen God provide and I can feel Him inside of me and I can sense Him around me. Even the Bible stories don't completely cement my faith....they help confirm the things that I have experienced, but it always comes back to ME---I have faith because I have seen....I have felt...
After reading your article in "O", I realized that we are all on a journey, and no one can get to the end by riding in on someone elses coat-tails (even those of our parents). Your parents faith can help motivate you to find your own, but it can never be reason enough for you to believe---and I know you realize that---hence the article :) However, know that you are not alone in your doubt, but try to look at faith and God, not from the perspective of what you CAN'T understand about God, and all the many things that DON'T make sense, and focus on all the things that do....Intellect is a gift and a curse....use it, but don't let it use you up.....set your whirling mind aside for awhile, because even it is only so capable, and let yourself feel God, then let that fuel your faith. This is not easy---as an intellectual person who thinks WAY too much and over-analyzes and plans plans plans--I know this is hard, but it was the only way faith worked for me.....perhaps it can work for you too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts,
Ashley Fauls
MI
I really enjoyed the article. It definitely echoes where I am in my beliefs...or rather...hopes.
Thanks for your honesty.
Hi Kelly,
I just read your article in this month's O magazine. You put into words exactly what I could never articulate. What a beautiful piece of writing- thank you! My favorite part was the quote from your husband, "... being with them is the most spiritual experience of my life, etc." I also have two girls, ages 6 and 4 and I am going to use that line when the time comes. :-)
I googled your name to discover the details of your book-- I am off to purchase it.
Congratulations,
Tracy Klebe
St. Louis, MO
I have tremendous, unflinching faith in God, mixed with little to no faith in religion.
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